Fatherhood on the Horizon

At this point I am not proud to say it but I never really wanted to be a dad. I never liked the idea of someone being totally dependent on me to live. I loved my solitary life before and I am somewhat selfish as far as my personal space goes. My artwork has shifted (what little I am able to do) and my brain is swimming. I prepared for all instances in my life except this. This whole process is teaching me a lesson: You will never be ready for everything.

You can be ready to go on the journey.

My daughter will be named Olivia. She will need to be loved by both parents even if the parents part company and disolve their union. I owe my daughter the opportunity to experience both parents under the same roof as a cohesive loving unit. Is it in my personality type to open my life to this kind of committment? The answer to that is no. I have to be honest, I have had enormous difficulty accepting a life without privacy or a quiet space to contemplate art. I have had difficulty leaving the life I built for a new life that until now, would have made me cringe. In eight to 10 weeks I will be a father and to a certain extent my life will not be my own anymore.

It no longer matters if I am ready for it, I have to be.

TRANSCEND the film

Had a very small screening in Tulsa for the film. Got great feedback from most. We need to do sound mixing, but all things considered, it looks very good. I am having a hard time raising funds to finish the film. I've asked friends to contribute for this final stretch. The economy is making sure that those contributions are slight to say the least. I have never been in a situation were my living quarters were in jeopardy but here we are. If help arrives by July 16th, I will be able to possibly keep my place. I can't down size anymore than I have. And at this moment I should be asking myself if it was all worth it. Money has come and gone to pay expenses and now my account nears zero. Usually in these situations, I find a way to win but right now I don't know. It has taken a serious amount off resiliency, hope and determination. All of that is dissipating. I don't have anything to fall back on and things are in danger of coming undone. Do I panic? No. Do I choke up and freeze? No. All I can do is continue to fight and hope to be delivered. If we can get over this part we will have accomplished something that never has been realized in a short period of time. The question is whether or not money will trump the creativity that Inclusion in Art has leaned on all this time.

The Journey and Path of an Artist

The Journey and Path of an Artist

Tao, Self Truths and Stuff

Alright, the ability to find humor even in the bleakest of circumstances is a talent that few people have. I am honing this skill like a fine blade. I have to otherwise, I might become a vigilante. First and foremost I really don't have time for a social life but every blue moon I take a break from my dim lit computer and get out amongst the people. I gotta say the more I leave society and then return to it, the less interesting it is becoming. I won't speak for the rest of the world, but it seems as though the part I reside in is losing belief in dreams and higher aspirations. It's like we are becoming apathetic vessels of acceptance. "Life is a Bitch and then you die" is the order for the day. When I speak of my dreams, I am immediately met with that WTF look. I've had to learn the hard way that some people don't speak the same language. I'm no better than they are, just different. I used to think that by giving the world the best of me, I would be rewarded in turn. That isn't true. When I thought like that, it would kill me. When I was used and tossed aside without so much as a thank you I used to take it personally. Taoism has given me a tool to survive with. It has taken the chip from my shoulder. I no longer take it personal when people attempt to get over. It doesn't affect my need to do good. While I'm not going to let the mules of the world donkey kick me in the ass, there is little point in trying to speak truth to a bitter deaf person. I am better served walking my path and acknowledging people but not stopping. It occurred to me that my role in life may not be the one that I wanted but it is my role.

Not a bad thing though.

Lately I have been flying above the fray watching people. I have watched the greed, the self manipulation and absorption, the deception and the ones who complain about their lives after subscribing to all of that. What did these people expect? What was supposed to happen? I recall a friend who dated a man with another still in her heart. This new guy was good for her but she continued to return to her old stomping ground all while telling this new person he was the light of her life and how much she wanted to get married. She lied to him and herself. She copped the "I'm so confused" theme that many of us use when we don't want to admit to just being fucked up. The relationship dissolved and now she has no one, not even the one she still cared for. The funny part is, this person she pined away for never returned her love, the one who did couldn't get her love so this silly cycle of people chasing people ensued. Sometimes you have to stop and think about who is chasing who, why they are chasing who they are, and if anyone is chasing you. We always chase after things that usually don't belong to us and the things we own, we neglect. I suppose that could be a human flaw.

Let's be real, it's an idiot's flaw.

I've been an idiot on many levels of my life, but the older I get, the more clear things become to me. I watch the actions of people I listen to what they are asking for. I challenge them to really define happiness and companionship. I challenge them to define their ambitions as an entrepreneur. When I get vague answers such as "I want to be a business man" but they can't explain how they plan to go about doing it, let alone what kind of business, I steer clear. When I speak to a woman that wants a good man but can't define goodness outside of occupation and the ability to fill a self inflicted hole within her, I steer clear. When I speak to a person who has nothing to his or her name and they are trying to explain to me how to save money, I steer clear. The sadness of all of this is that they really don't know they are this kind of person. Who wants to be known as a discontent vessel of confusion? Who wants to accept that they are listless dreamers without a clue? Who wants to admit they are business men without the business? Who wants to admit that the love and companionship they require isn't even in them to give in return.

Who wants to admit to being fucked up?

Almost no one. It took me years to admit it myself.

Transcend Crunch Time: One Ulcer Later

Just lost a potential sponsor for the documentary. Just found out it may have eaten a hole in my stomach liner. Just found out my bank account could be zero by the time this is all finished.

Just realized that it's all worth it.

Finishing this documentary has been nothing short of "divine guidance". I am ready to drop. I am in and out of depression even though I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't been able to feel my fingers and I am responsible for the crew that dedicated themselves to this film. I was once told that I should delegate responsibilities to others and I agree. The problem is, I am unable to cut a large check for their dedication. It is a money based world, not a cause based one. Those that have stuck it out with me through this are some of the few that aren't driven by monetary gain, but rather by the possibility of what they can bring awareness and change to. It is the bigger picture that we have dedicated ourselves to. Many talk of activism and change but are less inclined to sacrifice especially when that sacrifice causes discomfort even for the shortest of terms. I think there are those of us that understand the overall picture and the necessity for sacrifice. Because the people that believe in what I am trying to do have paid their dues, I have only one option; finish what was started.

I find myself paying my team in the form of Rock Star energy drinks, meager paychecks which honestly don't reflect their value or importance to the project. There is also the one that has taken making this film to her heart and is hurting financially because she believes. I am indebted to her and I think the world of her for going through this process and at times, trial. We are almost there and I think we will be rewarded for our convections.

Will Transcend see the light of day?

No question about it

Mentoring Made Easy...

I just got home from mentoring two young men and their dates. These guys were supposedly going to be a handful and at 17 years old, the time for rebellion is ripe. I chaperoned them but I decided to do something different. Rather than hover over them, I treated them like human beings. I have grown to care for each of these guys and if I had the right living conditions, I would more than likely consider adopting them. I thought about fatherhood today and I think my best contribution as a dad (if I were one) would be in a child's teen years. I think I communicate with them better the older they are. And apparently I do better the more bullheaded they are. These two that I mentored today were some of those kids that came from challenging situation but are at the core good. I trusted them to do the right thing and that trust was answered. They walked around the mall, saw a movie with their girlfriends and did a better job of checking in than some adults. Even though the task of staying on schedule may seem small, knowing where they came from and who they were before makes them even more remarkable young men. There are staff that will not hand them the rope to either climb or hang themselves. They safeguard them against a life that is only one year away once they age out of the program. It is better to know now what kind of character they posses. They could have gone AWOL but they didn't. They could have done something inappropriate with their girlfriends but they didn't. They did what normal people do. They went to a movie, laughed and chalked today up as a good memory. Sadly those memories should be more plentiful.

I am proud of these kids.

BuzzSaw...!

(Approximately 35 minutes ago I was cut by a streaking buzz saw...)

There are people who use words as swords and they can cut. There is always the classic line "I didn't mean to say that" or the soon to be classic "You took that wrong". I was sliced quite nicely this evening and one thing occurred to me; I don't care whether or not you are doing it on purpose or not, I don't like being cut by anyone or anything. Emotional or physical. My response to this bladed tongue was not the usual retaliatory viper born venom people say I am known for. It was a declaration that I would not be walked on or insulted. There was no anger but there was strength and some people confuse the two.I cannot allow an individual to make an assumption about me or steam roll my being if they plan to be a part of my world.

That is what adversaries are for.

When you deal with certain people you have to set boundaries and you have to be brave enough to deal with the repercussions of those boundaries. You would think that I am thankful to have anyone in my life because of my physical situation. I have a myriad of health problems, narcolepsy being the most frustrating. That however, will not the diminish the quality of person I am. It also will not dictate me eating...shit...off of another individual. I am not captive by my disability and I never will be. The person in my life must remember that I am not the only one being interviewed. They too are being interviewed and their competition is not another woman or something material. They are competing with a life that is already full. I have no fears of being alone because my life alone is pretty good. This mindset also keeps me from settling for just anyone. I know I come with my own challenges but anyone who gets to know me will understand the kind of person I am and the kind of person I am still striving to be. I am accountable and I will continue to try to be a good person.

Things Left and Things Gone

I think sometimes we become so used to something being around, we are surprised when it is gone. The words that we choose can set things in motion that cannot be stopped. It is unfortunate that those situations leave emotional carnage in their wake. People look up and find their marriage is over because they didn't listen to the obvious; friendships fade when people fail to take care of them; and Ultimately love alone cannot fix what was lost in a decisive translation.

There is a choice to be made by one or both of the participants. Participate or lose what you have. My mother told me not to give away what was yours, not to covet what what belonged to someone else, and to take care of what belonged to you. When you give something or someone up, you no longer have a say in what happens in that part of the hemisphere. There can be respect, but there is no longer a bond that demands you govern yourself in a way that they see fit. There is no compromise in that situation because there is no commitment. I have people that have left my life that still look for me to compromise how I express my feelings. These people forgot what was said over the course of difficult conversations and the aftermath grips them in anger and disbelief. Think about your conversations and what you say to a person. Think about how things can be construed and misconstrued. And mean what you say. I refuse to tell someone how to deal with a loss that no longer has anything to do with me. It is their choice. Those that dislike me or have issue with me, express it as you see fit. Do not give me any consideration in your mending because it is yours alone. I just request not to be called out of my name...

The Changes Keep Coming

So far things keep changing and moving. My place of employment which until recently, had been a source of confusion and problems. It wreaked havok on my relationship and kept me from having the motivation to work on my art. It is amazing how things have changed. An opportunity has come allowing me to be an artist and work at "the other place" part-time. This is the most time I have had for creating new work and I am incredibly happy about that. I like the new direction even though it is not as random. Why should it be random? I am a calculated person to begin with and I try not to take unnecessary chances. Well, at least chances on things I would do poorly without. I have a very supportive friend who doesn't exactly understand my work but she understands me which in some ways is even better. She thinks I should be more ambitious about the avenues for my art and I am trying to adopt that idea. It's a little difficult when your in such an insulated environment. It is a much easier path when you have a friend that believes in you. Thing is, I am so emotionally self sufficient, I failed to utilize assistance (on a personal level). It is easy to ask for artistic help from organizations and such but it is very difficult for me to ask for assistance in situations of friendship. I have always been the strong mind and the open ear. It is nice to be able to shed that layer and be just a person who actually needs someone sometimes and welcome the comfort of those people that have my back. It's a new role I'm playing and I kinda like it...

Beginnings From Endings

Life is a series of births and deaths beginnings and endings and so forth. I am currently experiencing an ending of sorts in love and in art. I am also discovering that from those endings something has been birthed within me. My ending in love was not an abrupt one, it was slow and erroding. It was silent and once I ended it, there was no anger or feelings of panic. There was only the absolute certainty that it should end. I wasn't sure that I would actually be losing a friend when I thought about it. I thought about what friendship was. I thought about the mutual closeness and support of friendship, and the the ability to comfort one another in times of uncertainty. I had given that and more. I had loved unconditionally. I gave freely and its end in the form it was in was not because of anyone's fault. I don't think there is a reason to even use the words fault and end. There was no situation of predator and prey or good and bad, there were just two people who had different ideas of love and friendship.

It ended and then I left with enough on the inside to begin again.

My artwork changed as well. The long anamorphic figures which had a beautiful but emmaciated look to them no longer seemed connected to me. The fact of the matter is that they had become constructions to sell. Once they stopped selling, their worth to me waivered. They were no longer being made from the soul. I made them for money.

My new work is large and gregarious. It is happy but solitary. It is who I am and who I want to be. I want my work to truly be an extention of the part of me that smiles on the inside. Since I am not making them for the sake of selling, there is no need for me to consider a market. I would like to make large scale bronzes of the originals, but the true motivation for these statues is self discovery and allowing myself to define my own happiness.

The people I have in my life have made such an impact on me. I am finally finding balance in friendship, potential love and art.

Progress, Methodical, Slow and Focused

I made a bucket list about a year ago and I just came across it about an hour ago. The list was as follows:

Do more and better work (trying)
Do an arts fair with Skip (it's coming)
Shoot a Documentary (did it!)
Write a Book nonfiction (did it!)
Write a book creative fiction (did it!)
Have my organization up and running (it's a fight)
Take better care of my health (sucking)

record: 3-3-1

Well, I was hit and miss with the documentary. I did create the concept for one, but ultimately I'm a little lousy with the camera. Good thing J Leigh and Melissa Sue Lopez aren't. We finished shooting about a week and a half ago. Now all we have to do is edit and post production. We are pretty much doing the most with empty pockets. I have to say that shooting the documentary was a life changing experience. The artists that agreed to help and be a part of it were incredible! Some like Skip, Brenna, and Suzanne have always been friends of mine. But the others were new to my circle of friends. I gues the thing that sticks with me is that we have something in common we are all artists of color. Brenna introduced the rest of us to art photographer Rory Littleton.

And then there were five of us.

I think this was the first time I sat down with more than one other black artist in my life. It sounds silly that I should be captivated by something so mundane, but I was. We sat in Galileo's Restaraunt talking about art, politics, what it means to be black and creative in Oklahoma. It was the first time that I sat at a table with people that looked like me and we all understood one another. It was spiritual and it was time for it.

Most Black artists in Oklahoma walk past each other without ever knowing that the other was an artist. I knew Suzanne for years before I knew she was an artist. Skip had been here for years on the art scene and we were not aware of each others existence. I went to shows and exhibits and many times I was the only black person. While we are all equal regardless of race, there is a feeling of familiarity and family when I am with other like minded black people. I don't feel like an anomaly, I fit and belong. Most of my friends had been white and there is nothing wrong with that. I love them as well and I wouldn't trade them for the world. But to be able to see someone who has the same creative spirit I do and have them look like me is priceless.

I hope the sense of community we are making among each other continues...

Knowing the Path and Walking the Path

I talk with people all the time. I'm a loner but there are a lot of people that I care about. You have to be very careful sometimes with people you love when it comes to talking about certain things in your life. The thing is, most of us are day to day types, some of us are dreamers and then there are those people that are driven. The third type usually walks a very lonely path. The day to day types aren't interested in the dreamers because all they do is sit and well, dream. The dreamers avoid the day to day folks because they don't want to hear the truth about themselves; They won't ever actually do anything.

That leaves the driven type person. This person is the one who doesn't associate with the dreamers or the day to day kinds. Day to day types confuse the driven types with the dreamers and as a result, they don't take the driven ones serious. The dreamers continue to come up with great concepts for others to actually execute. The driven shut everything out so they can get to where they are going.

So far I've been one of the driven.

But on the path to my destination I got sidetracked. I forgot who I was. I'm an artist. I am not a therapist, I am an artist. I am not a customer service agent, I am an artist. I am not a college graduate, I am an artist.

I think I know my path but unfortunately there are those that wish I would walk their beaten way. I was bitter at them at first but then I understood. I can't change them anymore than they can me. But in order for me to find what I'm looking for I have to turn the volume down on them.

I have a goal and that's all there is to it. I will get there.