Things Left and Things Gone

I think sometimes we become so used to something being around, we are surprised when it is gone. The words that we choose can set things in motion that cannot be stopped. It is unfortunate that those situations leave emotional carnage in their wake. People look up and find their marriage is over because they didn't listen to the obvious; friendships fade when people fail to take care of them; and Ultimately love alone cannot fix what was lost in a decisive translation.

There is a choice to be made by one or both of the participants. Participate or lose what you have. My mother told me not to give away what was yours, not to covet what what belonged to someone else, and to take care of what belonged to you. When you give something or someone up, you no longer have a say in what happens in that part of the hemisphere. There can be respect, but there is no longer a bond that demands you govern yourself in a way that they see fit. There is no compromise in that situation because there is no commitment. I have people that have left my life that still look for me to compromise how I express my feelings. These people forgot what was said over the course of difficult conversations and the aftermath grips them in anger and disbelief. Think about your conversations and what you say to a person. Think about how things can be construed and misconstrued. And mean what you say. I refuse to tell someone how to deal with a loss that no longer has anything to do with me. It is their choice. Those that dislike me or have issue with me, express it as you see fit. Do not give me any consideration in your mending because it is yours alone. I just request not to be called out of my name...

The Changes Keep Coming

So far things keep changing and moving. My place of employment which until recently, had been a source of confusion and problems. It wreaked havok on my relationship and kept me from having the motivation to work on my art. It is amazing how things have changed. An opportunity has come allowing me to be an artist and work at "the other place" part-time. This is the most time I have had for creating new work and I am incredibly happy about that. I like the new direction even though it is not as random. Why should it be random? I am a calculated person to begin with and I try not to take unnecessary chances. Well, at least chances on things I would do poorly without. I have a very supportive friend who doesn't exactly understand my work but she understands me which in some ways is even better. She thinks I should be more ambitious about the avenues for my art and I am trying to adopt that idea. It's a little difficult when your in such an insulated environment. It is a much easier path when you have a friend that believes in you. Thing is, I am so emotionally self sufficient, I failed to utilize assistance (on a personal level). It is easy to ask for artistic help from organizations and such but it is very difficult for me to ask for assistance in situations of friendship. I have always been the strong mind and the open ear. It is nice to be able to shed that layer and be just a person who actually needs someone sometimes and welcome the comfort of those people that have my back. It's a new role I'm playing and I kinda like it...

Beginnings From Endings

Life is a series of births and deaths beginnings and endings and so forth. I am currently experiencing an ending of sorts in love and in art. I am also discovering that from those endings something has been birthed within me. My ending in love was not an abrupt one, it was slow and erroding. It was silent and once I ended it, there was no anger or feelings of panic. There was only the absolute certainty that it should end. I wasn't sure that I would actually be losing a friend when I thought about it. I thought about what friendship was. I thought about the mutual closeness and support of friendship, and the the ability to comfort one another in times of uncertainty. I had given that and more. I had loved unconditionally. I gave freely and its end in the form it was in was not because of anyone's fault. I don't think there is a reason to even use the words fault and end. There was no situation of predator and prey or good and bad, there were just two people who had different ideas of love and friendship.

It ended and then I left with enough on the inside to begin again.

My artwork changed as well. The long anamorphic figures which had a beautiful but emmaciated look to them no longer seemed connected to me. The fact of the matter is that they had become constructions to sell. Once they stopped selling, their worth to me waivered. They were no longer being made from the soul. I made them for money.

My new work is large and gregarious. It is happy but solitary. It is who I am and who I want to be. I want my work to truly be an extention of the part of me that smiles on the inside. Since I am not making them for the sake of selling, there is no need for me to consider a market. I would like to make large scale bronzes of the originals, but the true motivation for these statues is self discovery and allowing myself to define my own happiness.

The people I have in my life have made such an impact on me. I am finally finding balance in friendship, potential love and art.