Thursday, May 21, 2009
Tao, Self Truths and Stuff
Alright, the ability to find humor even in the bleakest of circumstances is a talent that few people have. I am honing this skill like a fine blade. I have to otherwise, I might become a vigilante. First and foremost I really don't have time for a social life but every blue moon I take a break from my dim lit computer and get out amongst the people. I gotta say the more I leave society and then return to it, the less interesting it is becoming. I won't speak for the rest of the world, but it seems as though the part I reside in is losing belief in dreams and higher aspirations. It's like we are becoming apathetic vessels of acceptance. "Life is a Bitch and then you die" is the order for the day. When I speak of my dreams, I am immediately met with that WTF look. I've had to learn the hard way that some people don't speak the same language. I'm no better than they are, just different. I used to think that by giving the world the best of me, I would be rewarded in turn. That isn't true. When I thought like that, it would kill me. When I was used and tossed aside without so much as a thank you I used to take it personally. Taoism has given me a tool to survive with. It has taken the chip from my shoulder. I no longer take it personal when people attempt to get over. It doesn't affect my need to do good. While I'm not going to let the mules of the world donkey kick me in the ass, there is little point in trying to speak truth to a bitter deaf person. I am better served walking my path and acknowledging people but not stopping. It occurred to me that my role in life may not be the one that I wanted but it is my role.
Not a bad thing though.
Lately I have been flying above the fray watching people. I have watched the greed, the self manipulation and absorption, the deception and the ones who complain about their lives after subscribing to all of that. What did these people expect? What was supposed to happen? I recall a friend who dated a man with another still in her heart. This new guy was good for her but she continued to return to her old stomping ground all while telling this new person he was the light of her life and how much she wanted to get married. She lied to him and herself. She copped the "I'm so confused" theme that many of us use when we don't want to admit to just being fucked up. The relationship dissolved and now she has no one, not even the one she still cared for. The funny part is, this person she pined away for never returned her love, the one who did couldn't get her love so this silly cycle of people chasing people ensued. Sometimes you have to stop and think about who is chasing who, why they are chasing who they are, and if anyone is chasing you. We always chase after things that usually don't belong to us and the things we own, we neglect. I suppose that could be a human flaw.
Let's be real, it's an idiot's flaw.
I've been an idiot on many levels of my life, but the older I get, the more clear things become to me. I watch the actions of people I listen to what they are asking for. I challenge them to really define happiness and companionship. I challenge them to define their ambitions as an entrepreneur. When I get vague answers such as "I want to be a business man" but they can't explain how they plan to go about doing it, let alone what kind of business, I steer clear. When I speak to a woman that wants a good man but can't define goodness outside of occupation and the ability to fill a self inflicted hole within her, I steer clear. When I speak to a person who has nothing to his or her name and they are trying to explain to me how to save money, I steer clear. The sadness of all of this is that they really don't know they are this kind of person. Who wants to be known as a discontent vessel of confusion? Who wants to accept that they are listless dreamers without a clue? Who wants to admit they are business men without the business? Who wants to admit that the love and companionship they require isn't even in them to give in return.
Who wants to admit to being fucked up?
Almost no one. It took me years to admit it myself.
Not a bad thing though.
Lately I have been flying above the fray watching people. I have watched the greed, the self manipulation and absorption, the deception and the ones who complain about their lives after subscribing to all of that. What did these people expect? What was supposed to happen? I recall a friend who dated a man with another still in her heart. This new guy was good for her but she continued to return to her old stomping ground all while telling this new person he was the light of her life and how much she wanted to get married. She lied to him and herself. She copped the "I'm so confused" theme that many of us use when we don't want to admit to just being fucked up. The relationship dissolved and now she has no one, not even the one she still cared for. The funny part is, this person she pined away for never returned her love, the one who did couldn't get her love so this silly cycle of people chasing people ensued. Sometimes you have to stop and think about who is chasing who, why they are chasing who they are, and if anyone is chasing you. We always chase after things that usually don't belong to us and the things we own, we neglect. I suppose that could be a human flaw.
Let's be real, it's an idiot's flaw.
I've been an idiot on many levels of my life, but the older I get, the more clear things become to me. I watch the actions of people I listen to what they are asking for. I challenge them to really define happiness and companionship. I challenge them to define their ambitions as an entrepreneur. When I get vague answers such as "I want to be a business man" but they can't explain how they plan to go about doing it, let alone what kind of business, I steer clear. When I speak to a woman that wants a good man but can't define goodness outside of occupation and the ability to fill a self inflicted hole within her, I steer clear. When I speak to a person who has nothing to his or her name and they are trying to explain to me how to save money, I steer clear. The sadness of all of this is that they really don't know they are this kind of person. Who wants to be known as a discontent vessel of confusion? Who wants to accept that they are listless dreamers without a clue? Who wants to admit they are business men without the business? Who wants to admit that the love and companionship they require isn't even in them to give in return.
Who wants to admit to being fucked up?
Almost no one. It took me years to admit it myself.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Transcend Crunch Time: One Ulcer Later
Just lost a potential sponsor for the documentary. Just found out it may have eaten a hole in my stomach liner. Just found out my bank account could be zero by the time this is all finished.
Just realized that it's all worth it.
Finishing this documentary has been nothing short of "divine guidance". I am ready to drop. I am in and out of depression even though I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't been able to feel my fingers and I am responsible for the crew that dedicated themselves to this film. I was once told that I should delegate responsibilities to others and I agree. The problem is, I am unable to cut a large check for their dedication. It is a money based world, not a cause based one. Those that have stuck it out with me through this are some of the few that aren't driven by monetary gain, but rather by the possibility of what they can bring awareness and change to. It is the bigger picture that we have dedicated ourselves to. Many talk of activism and change but are less inclined to sacrifice especially when that sacrifice causes discomfort even for the shortest of terms. I think there are those of us that understand the overall picture and the necessity for sacrifice. Because the people that believe in what I am trying to do have paid their dues, I have only one option; finish what was started.
I find myself paying my team in the form of Rock Star energy drinks, meager paychecks which honestly don't reflect their value or importance to the project. There is also the one that has taken making this film to her heart and is hurting financially because she believes. I am indebted to her and I think the world of her for going through this process and at times, trial. We are almost there and I think we will be rewarded for our convections.
Will Transcend see the light of day?
No question about it
Just realized that it's all worth it.
Finishing this documentary has been nothing short of "divine guidance". I am ready to drop. I am in and out of depression even though I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I haven't been able to feel my fingers and I am responsible for the crew that dedicated themselves to this film. I was once told that I should delegate responsibilities to others and I agree. The problem is, I am unable to cut a large check for their dedication. It is a money based world, not a cause based one. Those that have stuck it out with me through this are some of the few that aren't driven by monetary gain, but rather by the possibility of what they can bring awareness and change to. It is the bigger picture that we have dedicated ourselves to. Many talk of activism and change but are less inclined to sacrifice especially when that sacrifice causes discomfort even for the shortest of terms. I think there are those of us that understand the overall picture and the necessity for sacrifice. Because the people that believe in what I am trying to do have paid their dues, I have only one option; finish what was started.
I find myself paying my team in the form of Rock Star energy drinks, meager paychecks which honestly don't reflect their value or importance to the project. There is also the one that has taken making this film to her heart and is hurting financially because she believes. I am indebted to her and I think the world of her for going through this process and at times, trial. We are almost there and I think we will be rewarded for our convections.
Will Transcend see the light of day?
No question about it
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Mentoring Made Easy...
I just got home from mentoring two young men and their dates. These guys were supposedly going to be a handful and at 17 years old, the time for rebellion is ripe. I chaperoned them but I decided to do something different. Rather than hover over them, I treated them like human beings. I have grown to care for each of these guys and if I had the right living conditions, I would more than likely consider adopting them. I thought about fatherhood today and I think my best contribution as a dad (if I were one) would be in a child's teen years. I think I communicate with them better the older they are. And apparently I do better the more bullheaded they are. These two that I mentored today were some of those kids that came from challenging situation but are at the core good. I trusted them to do the right thing and that trust was answered. They walked around the mall, saw a movie with their girlfriends and did a better job of checking in than some adults. Even though the task of staying on schedule may seem small, knowing where they came from and who they were before makes them even more remarkable young men. There are staff that will not hand them the rope to either climb or hang themselves. They safeguard them against a life that is only one year away once they age out of the program. It is better to know now what kind of character they posses. They could have gone AWOL but they didn't. They could have done something inappropriate with their girlfriends but they didn't. They did what normal people do. They went to a movie, laughed and chalked today up as a good memory. Sadly those memories should be more plentiful.
I am proud of these kids.
I am proud of these kids.
Friday, May 1, 2009
BuzzSaw...!
(Approximately 35 minutes ago I was cut by a streaking buzz saw...)
There are people who use words as swords and they can cut. There is always the classic line "I didn't mean to say that" or the soon to be classic "You took that wrong". I was sliced quite nicely this evening and one thing occurred to me; I don't care whether or not you are doing it on purpose or not, I don't like being cut by anyone or anything. Emotional or physical. My response to this bladed tongue was not the usual retaliatory viper born venom people say I am known for. It was a declaration that I would not be walked on or insulted. There was no anger but there was strength and some people confuse the two.I cannot allow an individual to make an assumption about me or steam roll my being if they plan to be a part of my world.
That is what adversaries are for.
When you deal with certain people you have to set boundaries and you have to be brave enough to deal with the repercussions of those boundaries. You would think that I am thankful to have anyone in my life because of my physical situation. I have a myriad of health problems, narcolepsy being the most frustrating. That however, will not the diminish the quality of person I am. It also will not dictate me eating...shit...off of another individual. I am not captive by my disability and I never will be. The person in my life must remember that I am not the only one being interviewed. They too are being interviewed and their competition is not another woman or something material. They are competing with a life that is already full. I have no fears of being alone because my life alone is pretty good. This mindset also keeps me from settling for just anyone. I know I come with my own challenges but anyone who gets to know me will understand the kind of person I am and the kind of person I am still striving to be. I am accountable and I will continue to try to be a good person.
There are people who use words as swords and they can cut. There is always the classic line "I didn't mean to say that" or the soon to be classic "You took that wrong". I was sliced quite nicely this evening and one thing occurred to me; I don't care whether or not you are doing it on purpose or not, I don't like being cut by anyone or anything. Emotional or physical. My response to this bladed tongue was not the usual retaliatory viper born venom people say I am known for. It was a declaration that I would not be walked on or insulted. There was no anger but there was strength and some people confuse the two.I cannot allow an individual to make an assumption about me or steam roll my being if they plan to be a part of my world.
That is what adversaries are for.
When you deal with certain people you have to set boundaries and you have to be brave enough to deal with the repercussions of those boundaries. You would think that I am thankful to have anyone in my life because of my physical situation. I have a myriad of health problems, narcolepsy being the most frustrating. That however, will not the diminish the quality of person I am. It also will not dictate me eating...shit...off of another individual. I am not captive by my disability and I never will be. The person in my life must remember that I am not the only one being interviewed. They too are being interviewed and their competition is not another woman or something material. They are competing with a life that is already full. I have no fears of being alone because my life alone is pretty good. This mindset also keeps me from settling for just anyone. I know I come with my own challenges but anyone who gets to know me will understand the kind of person I am and the kind of person I am still striving to be. I am accountable and I will continue to try to be a good person.
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