Daughter is a Drop of Joy

i was doing some facebooking and I took the test on which famous artists am I most like. My result was Picasso. I fit the description and I make similar bad choices on a personal level. The one thing that I do not regret is my daughter. Truth be told, I never wanted children. I never wanted the additional responsibility of another living being depending solely on me. The idea of it frightened me. Olivia meant the end of any pockets of irresponsibility I harbored. She ushered in the death of the old me and the birth of a new person. I thought about all of the people I loved unconditionally and the list is sadly short. Olivia is someone I will love through the good and bad times. She is also someone whose well being I will not compromise.Because of this little girl, I have found out what kind of man I can be even in the face of those who don't recognize the changes I have made. She is also changing my definition of me as an artist. We live in a world where behind just about everything beautiful is an ugly opposite. People hurt one another for little reason, people manipulate others, and people use up other people because they can. It is so sad that most of these people aren't bad, they do these things because they have been conditioned to do so. It is not a world for the kind anymore. But sometimes things happen to remind you there are still people who are human in the world. Livy reminds of that. I used to think being a father was a thankless job. While relationships grow thankless and loveless, and friendships lose their meaning, the smile of my daughter is the biggest indication of appreciation I could ever receive.

She gives me strength that I alone don't have

Art vs Life or is Art Life?

I haven't had much time to check in and write much of anything. I haven't written since my daughter was born. I hadn't written since we finally finished Transcend. I hadn't written since my life changed from what it once was. There is a saying that change is good and makes you a better person.

I don't really know about that.

I think the experience gained from change is good but the actual act of change can leave you reeling. My daughter Olivia came about quite unexpectedly. I was going through a change prior to her that left me reeling and actually resulted in her. There has been little time to examine how I feel about the changes in my life and the changes resulting from those who have left my life. The person that I am now is the most resilient human being I have ever known. A child can give you an emotional fortitude you didn't have before.

You eat shit that you wouldn't have.

You listen to shit that you wouldn't have.

You deal with people that you wouldn't have.

You do it for her. You do it because she is worth it.

She connects two people whether or not they stay together. But despite the chivalry and duty, there is the realization that who I am as a visual artist has changed. Achieving my goals has now become paramount. I am not a college graduate, I have health issues, and I am not primed for any other occupation except that of an artist. Yet, I find there is little time to finish what I started. There is a level of selfishness of being an artist that is prerequisite. I realize that I have two jobs; one that pays and one that doesn't. I also realize that I must still be a human being and check in with her. The expenditure of energy to stay afloat for her is taxing. Those left have become emotional casualties. Deep down inside I know that if I fail with my artistic endeavors, there is little left for me to give a partner as art completes me. I cannot let go of what I am trying to do. Those people I lose along the way were meant to be.

Olivia, however will always be my daughter. My success will be her success and I am close.