Unsettling Closure

I should be asleep but I am not. This is the first time I have written in sometime and I am sure it is the beginning of a new chapter in my life. Many questions about me were answered tonight and it has affected me deeply. The past year has been a whirlwind and I was blindly engulfed by it. Facades and romanticized images were smashed and only a flawed humanity remains. Those that can love a person without the gloss are the lucky ones. It is when the gloss fades that most people become disappointed or confused. I know people but I am finding that I don't know myself the way I thought I did. I am finding a person can have all of the best intentions and do right as best he or she can and still come out on the short end. I am finding that love is a word that should not be used without the unconditional part. I am also finding that struggle is a part of all relationships even when there should be none. Is it possible that drama rules our very being? I accused a person of being dramatic and angry and troubled, but now I really don't know if I was right. I spent so much time on a soap box proclaiming lofty expectations that I failed to see the real. And now my art isn't saving me. It isn't there to turn to because I have made other things my life's blood without considering the ramifications. Tomorrow, I will see my daughter, and love her. I will also reevaluate what I thought to be true. So many people have come and gone from my life and now I am beginning to wonder if I forced some of those comings to become those that go.

I am also wondering if my rose colored lenses pushed away those that were meant to be in my life.